There’s a guy I’ve had a crush on for months and every time I see him my body freezes. Unable to move, unable to speak, unable to smile, it’s like my emotions get blocked by impenetrable fire walls and I become physically paralyzed whenever he’s near. Strange experience for a girl who usually makes it abundantly clear to people how she feels about them, good or bad.
Something deeper within is holding me back and forcing me to wait this one out. I have quite the history of rushing into things, all things, any thing. The last time I did that resulted in horrendous consequences. Suffice it to say I’ve learned my lesson.
In turn I’ve bounced to an opposite extreme of self-preservation (imagine that!) because I don’t even know if I’ve ever smiled at this guy. I think I did that one time when he was coming out of his office building and he waved to me. In my heart I’m always beaming at him, on my face I’m generally panicking. I am afraid to like him.
He was a regular at my cart until the day I mustered up the courage to tell him my name. He was very nice about it, told me his and never returned. That was in July.
Logic would like to intervene and point out to me that he’s simply not interested, but I don’t respond well to logic when it comes to matters of the heart. My crush has continued, possibly even grown, regardless. Because there was that time he waved to me and the time he said “Hey, how’s it going?” Not to mention how devastatingly handsome he is. But I digress.
Once I arrived on the far side of Hump Day I started to regain that I-Can-Do-Anything feeling. My courage heightened along with my sense of smell (don’t ask, it’s some weird fasting side effect) and I decided it was finally time to show him how I feel.
As luck would have it, on the fifth day, I saw him walking with some business associates likely on their way to lunch. I didn’t want to interrupt but promised myself if I saw him on his way back I would get out of my cart, approach him on the street and ask him out.
Time passed. The lunch rush came and went. And then there he was on the other side of the street heading back to his office. Was he looking at me or did I make that up? Confidence and determination took over where fear and trepidation has been residing. I threw off my apron, hopped out of my cart and headed toward the intersection.
The light changed against me and, keep in mind, I was walking with a limp (sexy!). He was getting away from me. I crossed to the opposite corner. Is it possible he slowed down? When I finally got to the side he was on it was just him, the others were gone. He was twenty feet away and dangerously close to his building. I called out his name, “_____!”, just as he turned up the entrance stairs. But he didn’t hear me and kept walking. (Or maybe he heard me and kept walking, I’ll choose to stay positive.)
All of a sudden I noticed I was surrounded by about seven of his co-workers awkwardly trying to let me pass and get his attention, but he was already through the door.
I squeaked out a “Sorry, it’s OK”, shook my head and slinked backward away from the stairs. Wondering for an instant why I had done something so ridiculous, worrying I had inadvertently embarrassed him.
Epic failure, right?
Not exactly. This was Day 5 of a cleanse. I had beaten down the devil that is Hump Day and returned to the realm of uuuuunstoppable. Limping back to my cart I somehow managed not to sink into the stature of the idiot I had just made of myself.
In the name of love I declared I would not be embarrassed by my actions. In fact I had a huge grin on my face as I hobbled up through the door of my trailer and the first thing I thought to myself was: I should just do this cleanse for forty days.
As with everything in life – it doesn’t really matter what the outcome is, it just matters that we try.