The Waiting

I know it’s only been 2 days, but I’m not known for my patience and I feel I have to prepare myself for the possibility that another level of this cleanse could be learning to accept rejection and move on gracefully. Like really accept defeat and really let all attachments go and really move on. I’m torn between wanting to be excited and full of love and energy and faith and beauty. I want to believe that I deserve this to turn amazing and fantastic. I want to believe my time has come to be in a truly positive relationship with a good person I genuinely like who also genuinely likes me. Torn between all of those things and the sobering possibility that he may just not be interested. So good at putting the cart before the horse, I may have put too much stock into a fantasy (again). My instincts may be wrong about him. I’ve been wrong plenty of times in the past. He may not call. I may not get a concrete answer either way.

Want Want Want. I am wanting so much today. I want to pretend I will be OK either way and that really I just need an answer but the truth is I will be crushed if it’s a “no”. I’m jumping off a cliff again but I can’t expect the universe to catch me every time, can I? I don’t know what’s fair. I don’t know what’s acceptable and proper. I just know I’m flying right now and it doesn’t feel like falling.

That’s the thing about skydiving that doesn’t make any sense: it doesn’t feel like falling.

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