V is for Vulnerable

I totally had a breakdown yesterday. Like a full on Someone’s Goin’ Cray-Cray in J-Town Breakdown. I wrote that last post after work, took a walk in the woods with the dogs to clear my head, deleted the post because it made me feel stupid, then quickly lost my mind. The post is back up because it’s the truth about how I was feeling yesterday at the cart and I want to be honest with you all even when honesty showcases my overactive imagination.

Yesterday was a pretty good day for my back and leg so I rode my bike to work to keep the progress moving forward. It was an antsy day spent hoping for a visitor who never appeared. I know better than to spend my days in that manner. Nothing ever happens when we’re sitting hoping and waiting for it to happen, but that doesn’t mean I always have the strength to divert my attention. I did the best I could to focus on the job and the customers and the rest of the world, but my best was pretty lame.

Energy was in scarce quantity as I rode home and my nerves were shot when I walked through the door. I should have just laid down and taken a nap but instead I packed the dogs into the car and headed to Tryon Creek where I intended to get them some exercise and clear my own head.

I wasn’t limping much so I took off into the woods at a speed walk with a dog on each side. My current speed walk is really like my old NYC casual walk. It didn’t feel that fast at first. As long as I was moving I felt fine, but if the dogs stopped to pee or sniff I would get nauseous and dizzy. My head was in a daze and I kept on walking. What should have been a 20-minute spurt to release the anxiety I was feeling turned into an hour of fast paced spiraling down into the bowels of my lowest self-esteem. I had no awareness of being in nature despite chanting a “Just be here” mantra. The farther into the woods we got the more my body slowed down and my ego kicked into high gear.

By the time I got home I was a wreck. That’s when the real breakdown began. You know the one where you haven’t eaten in 20 days and you pushed yourself too far physically and every single one of your biggest fears is bubbling over the cauldron that is your head and somehow your hair got all messy and windswept in the process so you’re standing in the bathroom looking at yourself in the mirror wondering where you went because weren’t you just here and why are you crying you can’t stop crying. Yah, that one.

I lost it because I’ve never asked anybody out before. I saved it up for a moment when I really meant it and inadvertently gave it more weight than it deserved. I lost it because I haven’t participated in the dating scene in more than a decade and I have no point of reference for how it works or what to do. I lost it because I’m sick to death of rejection and spending my time with people who don’t see me or respect me. I’m sick to death of being alone. I’m sick of being in pain. And more than anything I’m sick of waiting. No more waiting.

I crashed into my bed and slept a very deep and necessary sleep. I awoke this morning feeling totally normal and rested and healthy. And with all that emotional purging came an unexpected physical purge (read : poop) which only proves my theory even more: emotional crap stuck in our hearts and brains is directly tied to physical crap stuck in our pipes and innards. The emotional affects the physical. The physical affects the emotional. Let’s get that shit out!

Lao Tsu says:

Knowing ignorance is strength.

Ignoring knowledge is sickness.

 

If one is sick of sickness, then one is not sick.

The sage is not sick because he is sick of sickness.

Therefore he is not sick.

It’s Saturday. It’s raining. Today shall be devoted to laundry and Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.

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