I’m Starting To Feel Fragile

I was all set to enjoy being super skinny this week but I gotta tell you, it’s weird. I feel very exposed and vulnerable. I feel weak, not as if I’m going to pass out from malnourishment, but fragile, breakable. This morning I weighed in at 121.8 pounds. I haven’t weighed this little since I was a pre-teen with a lot of growing left to do. My spine juts out from my back and I can see my ribs on the front of my chest.

In a way I suppose it’s very feminine. If I had a boyfriend to appreciate it and in turn offer me protection I might not be so concerned. Instead I find myself worrying that I won’t be able to take anybody down if they start with me. My leg is still too screwy to run and my physical stature is getting smaller by the day. (Then I remind myself that I left Brooklyn and moved to Portland and I calm down again.)

Tonight I hit up a dance club with some girlfriends. It was Michael Jackson vs. Prince, how could we not? Fitting into a pair of pants I’ve never worn because they have always been too small gave me a nice shot of confidence as I walked out the door and my expectation upon leaving the house was that I’d be struttin’ my stuff all over that dance floor. Something else entirely happened.

Even though I don’t drink at dance clubs, my tendency on the floor is to be that crazy chick who keeps screaming and gyrating up and down anyone within a 10’ radius. I love dancing and I love that I love dancing and it’s just the most fun thing ever. My arms flail, I jump, I shake, I grind, you name it. Tonight though I was rather conserved and introverted. My tendency was to guard myself by hunching forward and inward. I kept my arms down almost the entire time and often wrapped in around myself for safety.

It felt like I was in the wrong body. This is someone else’s. This body is for the skinny girl who wears the skinny jeans with the high heels and the baggy tank tops. It’s for the delicate ballerinas and the beanpole models. Those women are beautiful and awesome, but those women are not me. I have curves built into my bones and right now those bones are sticking too far out. They want their padding back. Good thing I’m guaranteed to gain at least ten pounds back by the end of next week when I start eating again.

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3 thoughts on “I’m Starting To Feel Fragile”

  1. Sometimes we find out who we really are by learning who we aren’t. I hope you put those slacks in the give-away pile now. Take good care in this vulnerable state. Love.

  2. This is why I think forty days sounds like a crazy long time. But I do respect you doing something to take control of your health, and I admire your ability to stick with it and keep that promise to yourself in the face of whatever else life throws your way.

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