I love me some SARK. Yesterday I participated in a group phone call in which she and Amy Ahlers revealed the truths behind their fears and ultimately the stands they are willing to take in order to propel themselves farther forward and upward. It was fun and inspiring and it got me thinking about a number of things in my life. Because I’m a textbook and chronic oversharer, I will share one with you now:
I will not be completely happy or fulfilled until I have a husband and children to love and take care of. I am lonely on my own and contrary to everyone’s opinion, this does not mean I don’t love myself and it doesn’t make me weak or less of a person. Strength, independence and success come easily to me but they do not fulfill me.
I am sick to death of solo tributes to myself, alone time with a good book and a hot mug of tea, extra long showers and having the day to myself. I don’t ever again want to write in my journal, “I’m great just as I am. I don’t need anyone else.” I get it, I fuckin’ rule. Can I move on now please?
My life is all about me (my business, my apartment, my car, my blog, my hopes, my dreams, my pets, my journey, my happiness, my weirdo specific diet plan that I made up) and I don’t want it to be that way anymore. I want it to be OK for me to believe that companionship with someone I love will complete the picture.
For one, I fear that no one will ever allow me this, that they will forever assume something is amiss and Jenny just doesn’t love herself enough. I also worry that I’ll never stop being freaked out and annoyed by that. Mostly I’m scared I’ll never fall in love with someone who’s in love with me. I spent many years with someone who tolerated me and made it clear everyday that I annoyed him. Then I spent a year with someone who lied to my face on a daily basis. I’ve also been loved by people I did not love in return. What if it never happens on both sides at the same time?
I dare myself to shut the fuck up, to keep writing but to stop talking. I dare myself to protect my heart better by making a concerted effort to keep the snarks at bay even if they are some of the people closest to me. I dare myself to stop asking for approval. I will do this by keeping more of my most intimate thoughts to myself and not complaining about my vacant love life anymore.
If I’m not careful I could hurt people I love by suddenly appearing distant and aloof. If I’m not careful I could alienate friends and therefore become lonelier. I could inadvertently bottle up everything I’ve gotten so good at processing out. I could start feeling like I’m not being myself. And what if I can’t figure out how to turn off the inner critic that berates me for having the gall to desire a partner?
I’m a grown up. I’ve got my shit together. I’ll probably be fine. I don’t have to beat myself up for not attaining divine self-realization and complete lack of worldly desires. It’s OK that I’m human. I never wanted to be a swami anyway, I just want to be a good person and I am that. And probably if I stop complaining I’ll seem more confident. Mother Nature teaches animals to keep their injuries to themselves for a reason.
I’m ready to stop caring what other people think. I’m ready to stop fighting. To anyone who thinks I must have low self esteem or confidence issues because I want a man in my life, to anyone who thinks I am less of a confident independent woman because my deepest most unfulfilled desire is to be loved by someone other than me and to take care of a family, I say: Whatever. Look at yourself before you look at me. I’m fine with being normal. Are you?
If any part of this process resonates, definitely go through it for yourself. You can do it with friends or completely on your own like I did. Either way it is sure to be uplifting and empowering.
I’m not sure if this works if you don’t have a PIN, but if you want to check out the phone call try clicking here.