Dream Out Loud

I have now officially asked two guys out. This latest one works in an office I have the pleasure of frequenting. I get to see him every now and then working at his desk, but we’ve never had much interaction. He is stupid hot. Like so hot I hardly even noticed him at first because of a deep-seated unconscious compartmentalization process that automatically placed him in the Out of Your League department of my ego.

Two weeks ago I stopped by the office and was chatting with someone near the front door. Someone else entered and the hot guy got up from his desk to come greet him. It was the first time said hot guy had walked in my direction. And he walked with purpose. Wham! His presence smacked me across the face in the most awesome way another person’s presence can. He’s a man. Like a real bona fide man.

Needless to say, he’s been on my mind.

Yesterday I was back at the office and he caught my eye when I walked in. There he was at his desk all perfect and hot and maybe even noticing me noticing him. Mmmm… I like flirting. I was only there for a minute. I took off to run my other errands and when I got home thought to myself, Why the hell not? Worst case scenario: I give a cool person a nice compliment.

I emailed:

Drinks?

I realize this is bold, considering we’ve never actually met. But anytime I stop by your office catching a glimpse of you makes my day.

I figure there’s no harm in asking.

I added a quick description of myself in case he had any question of who I was.

No crickets this time. His response was quick, mature and thoughtful.

Hi Jennifer,

What a nice note to receive, and such a compliment that it is from you!

Alas, I am in a relationship but maybe we will cross paths in the future.

It actually made me admire him more and helps me move farther away from the losers who give no response, ignore me or run away. I get it that I’m a very straightforward go-getter. I also know I’m a feminine Pisces daydreamer. In my second favorite U2 song, Zooropa, Bono says, She’s gonna dream of the world she wants to live in, She’s gonna dream out loud. That’s me. I dream out loud. I tell everyone what I’m thinking about and then I go after it.

I know that can be intimidating to some and I’m finally reaching a point in my life where I am happy to wait for the man who isn’t afraid of a strong woman who knows what she wants. I’m happy to hold on hope that the right person will find me so long as I keep putting myself out there and not allowing the rejections to get me down.

Because when the rejection comes in a negative form, I can rest assured that he wasn’t the guy for me (read : cart guy, texter dude and all the weirdos on OKC). And when it comes in a positive form, which just happened yesterday, it actually ends up being a compliment. I mean the guy I would put in the #1 spot for “Hottest in Portland” (and I’m not alone in this) alluded to the possibility that getting a compliment from me was a big deal. That’s awesome! This particular specimen is taken, but he represents the kind of person I’m seeking out. The hunt is on and I’m heading in the right direction.

Why would I want to date somebody who ignores me anyway? The answer to that question seems unbelievably obvious – like we would smack our best friend or sister for asking it about herself. Yet don’t we all find ourselves having trouble believing we deserve the best sometimes?

I’m thankful for the humbling seemingly backwards yet actually forwards propelling incidents of the past few years. It used to be that I had a fancy house and a popular boyfriend and lots of money and a cool job. It used to be that I was overly sarcastic, oftentimes drunk, somewhat depressed and constantly frustrated.

Going through the experiences of loss and change have helped me move away from what I don’t want which is in turn helping me move towards what I do want, both in terms of who I am and who I want to be with.

I no longer have a house, money, a boyfriend or a cool job. I’m also no longer sarcastic, drunk, or depressed. I do have a job and I do still get frustrated, but nothing feels constant to me anymore, except a growing sense of contentment in the world I am creating.

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