I’m Not Convinced

Did you ever see that mock trailer for The Shining, the one that makes it seem like a romantic comedy? You can watch it here and it’s quite a hoot. It’s a joke but often times Hollywood producers make multiple trailers for specific movies with the intention of selling them to different crowds as different genres.

I feel like I could do that with my life right now – I could make either of the directions it could currently take seem like the right happy choice or the worst idea possible.

I had my interview for the job at Kripalu and hung up the phone with less clarity than I had hoped. I’m not convinced it’s the job for me. It still appears to be the perfect combination of my skills and personal aspirations, but I think it’s the job I needed 6 years ago, not the one I need now.

It’s quite possible that I’m just being cocky, but side from that, phrases were uttered that have stuck in my head; basement office, dark cold winters, a rural town that shuts down at 6pm, no relocation package.

Journal entries from the fall confirm I did the right thing selling the cart. I was miserable going there once the weather shifted and not making enough money to get by. Carty is now on its way to Florida and I have no regrets. This is still the right path; I’m just at a crossroads.

Option A would be easy.  Stay in Portland, work at the grocery store until something better comes along (I already recognize I don’t have what it takes to work there full-time in management), relax, chill with awesome friends, fly to Hawaii for 300 bucks whenever a few days off come to pass. Enjoy the summer, which I didn’t have a chance to do last year while running the business. Enjoy my life with little stress or worry. I could do it temporarily, but how long before I get bored and frustrated, how long before I berate myself for not moving towards a goal? Maybe six months to a year.

Option B would take a lot of effort but pay off in the spiritual sense. Pack up and move to Massachusetts and Kripalu (for the record, the job has not been offered to me but it’s a possibility I need to strongly consider), adjust to a new environment, live close to old friends and family, experience life at a yoga retreat center where group meditation and chanting are daily activities. But. There are a lot of buts I’m not going to bother listing here. Suffice it to say I fear it may be more of a move backwards than forwards.

Then there’s Option C: Something entirely different that I can’t begin to wrap my head around yet.

If I look at the moments of my life I cherish above all else, this is what I see:

Skipping the 2nd grade

Freefalling from 13,500 feet

Every minute I’ve ever spent with each of my best friends

Travel to warm places

Conquering New York

Stage Managing the Blue Man Tour

Making my parents proud

That time I learned to surf in Mexico

Starting a business

Writing group

Juice fasting

It’s safe to say I appreciate a moderate level of challenge and excitement combined with the people I love. And I’m fully aware of my tendency to act like a caged animal when bored. It’s not pretty for anyone involved. At this point I like Option C the best, even considering its complete lack of detail.

Is my decision already made? No. I certainly haven’t written anything off yet because it’s entirely plausible that I’m just having cold feet.

Then what’s the plan? For once, there is no plan and boy howdy, that’s liberating. The only semblance of a plan right now is to stay on the path I put myself on, the one that leads to more love and less worry. I believe in my heart it will continue to bring me challenge and excitement combined with people I love.

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