Here I am two days in at my friend’s house feeling a little blah, lovesick actually. I’m immediately taken with his arborist roommate who is showing little interest in me. A million maybes. Maybe he’s being polite, maybe he’s keeping his distance because he thinks my friend and I have a thing, maybe he’s simply not interested.
Here I am in paradise pining over love and sex. How ridiculous.
Yesterday I biked the windward side of the island. Beautiful as it was, I wanted to not be alone. Today I walked to Ka’ena Point amongst nesting albatross at the far western tip. Beautiful as it was, I wanted to share it with someone.
The dialogue still happens in my head, every conversation I would be having if I were here with my ex. And I wonder, what have I done? Why wasn’t I able to grow and change within the confines of that relationship like I wanted to?
I suppose someday I’ll look into the face of a person I have yet to experience the joy of knowing and finally understand, “OK, this is why.” For now though, it’s still just me.