Took a run with the dogs on the Wildwood Trail in Forest Park today. Can’t explain how my busted hip and asthmatic lungs allowed me to do so without pain or consequence, but they did. As if recognizing my need for a burst of mental clarity, my body seemed to give my thoughts a free pass for what they needed: physical exertion, speed and a rush of cold clean air.
I went and got all dreamy and fogged up again, stuck in the realm of all the spectacular things we could be working towards, all the potential I see. I got ahead of myself, as I am wont to do, ahead of everyone that is.
Someone was nice enough to step in and slow me down. When people do that my initial reaction is one of frustration and frowny faces, followed by anxiety. It’s really mature. Crashing out of a fantastic daydream back down to a sobering reality tends not to be joyful. Only a day or so later do I come around to the recognition that it’s probably a good thing other people don’t race through life as quickly as I do. Especially the people I want to spend my time with.
It’s not like I skipped the 2nd grade because I was exceptionally smart. I’ve never been that. For goodness sake I confused Mt. Saint Helen’s and Everest last night. My teachers skipped me ahead because I was bored, and no one, let me repeat no one, enjoys being anywhere near a bored Jenny. Heck I don’t even like it. There is nothing that makes me crazier than the fear of wasting time.
I come on strong and move very quickly, scaring people off as I go. I always want to be moving towards a goal. I see potential that would be ludicrous not to at least check out. But I may be alone in that. Or at least I’m alone in my desire to plow full speed ahead. Is that my desire anyway? There’s a lot to be said for the beauty of faraway company. Thinking of someone who’s thinking of me. Text messages and phone calls without the burden of other people’s daily bullshit.
This last year and a half of my life have been incredibly rewarding and satisfying. It’s also the first time I’ve been single in a decade. What could I possibly benefit from rushing into anything new?
Slowing down and remembering that I am moving towards a goal, a really big one that won’t be accomplished overnight, could go a long way for me so I’m gonna try something. I’m gonna go ahead and be grateful for what I have in this moment, which is something I didn’t have a few weeks back, and not make anymore attempts to push it into being something it’s not. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be, right? And if not, well… life will go on.
Folks, this ain’t easy for me.