Flat on my back attempting crunches, Mary J. Blige singing of no more drama in our lives, the tears took over and I just let myself cry.
I cried because I said goodbye. Kindly, fairly, I said goodbye because he fell off the face of the earth and ignored me for weeks. I cried because he didn’t respond to my text messages. I cried because I’m worth more effort than that and I’m tired of sticking up for myself. I cried because he was busy, then out of town, then sick, then he just ‘had a thing’. I cried because he acted like every other flaky douche bag I’ve met in the last two years and I thought he was more of a man than that.
And when he responded with “Take it easy, you need to learn how to embrace the aloha spirit,” I didn’t get mad. I just wished him well and walked away.
I cried because I had to walk away when what I really wanted was a new friend to walk towards. I cried because I didn’t want to delete his photograph or voicemails or phone number or our text message conversations. I didn’t want to unfriend him on Facebook. But more than that I didn’t want to be undervalued, continually held at arm’s length and kept at bay anymore.
I got it all out in four minutes and when my iPod shuffled to M.I.A. I stood up, wiped the tears from my face with my sleeve and started doing squats. I cried for four minutes but then I did squats for five. I did them facing my wall of strong women, a shrine I set up long before I had any idea what shrines were for. I looked them each in the eye and thanked them for the grace with which they have faced adversity in their lives. I thanked them for being beautiful and healthy.
Justin Timberlake came on and I switched to leg and calf raises. Then Beyonce for biceps, triceps and shoulders. With the first beat of Empire State of Mind I went back to the floor and did my crunches. Over 100 of them with obliques and glutes tackled in the mix as well.
Do I need to learn how to embrace the aloha spirit if I’m going to succeed in Hawaii? Absolutely. Will I sacrifice my self worth in the process while waiting for a guy who can’t be bothered to call me back? Not a chance.
So I inhaled. I exhaled. I swallowed hard and I remembered: For now it’s just me.
(And that’s actually OK.)