I Cried For Four Minutes

Flat on my back attempting crunches, Mary J. Blige singing of no more drama in our lives, the tears took over and I just let myself cry.

I cried because I said goodbye. Kindly, fairly, I said goodbye because he fell off the face of the earth and ignored me for weeks. I cried because he didn’t respond to my text messages. I cried because I’m worth more effort than that and I’m tired of sticking up for myself. I cried because he was busy, then out of town, then sick, then he just ‘had a thing’. I cried because he acted like every other flaky douche bag I’ve met in the last two years and I thought he was more of a man than that.

And when he responded with “Take it easy, you need to learn how to embrace the aloha spirit,” I didn’t get mad. I just wished him well and walked away.

I cried because I had to walk away when what I really wanted was a new friend to walk towards. I cried because I didn’t want to delete his photograph or voicemails or phone number or our text message conversations. I didn’t want to unfriend him on Facebook. But more than that I didn’t want to be undervalued, continually held at arm’s length and kept at bay anymore.

I got it all out in four minutes and when my iPod shuffled to M.I.A. I stood up, wiped the tears from my face with my sleeve and started doing squats. I cried for four minutes but then I did squats for five. I did them facing my wall of strong women, a shrine I set up long before I had any idea what shrines were for. I looked them each in the eye and thanked them for the grace with which they have faced adversity in their lives. I thanked them for being beautiful and healthy.

Justin Timberlake came on and I switched to leg and calf raises. Then Beyonce for biceps, triceps and shoulders. With the first beat of Empire State of Mind I went back to the floor and did my crunches. Over 100 of them with obliques and glutes tackled in the mix as well.

Do I need to learn how to embrace the aloha spirit if I’m going to succeed in Hawaii? Absolutely. Will I sacrifice my self worth in the process while waiting for a guy who can’t be bothered to call me back? Not a chance.

So I inhaled. I exhaled. I swallowed hard and I remembered: For now it’s just me.

(And that’s actually OK.)

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2 thoughts on “I Cried For Four Minutes”

  1. I hope you have a picture of yourself on that shrine. I know I have told you this before and you may not care, but I will tell you again. I met you age age 17, your senior year of DHS. We had two classes together, hung out a couple times, and our friendship was brief. From that moment on I was always inspired by Jenny Lynch or her legend in my mind. To me you got things at age 17 that some will never get. In my eyes you were one of a kind. “Jenny was herself and did not let anyone or thing get in the way of who she was. You were a force as a teenager and I am sure you are still as strong. I always wished I could be like Jenny.

    This post made me sad because you are definitely better than the “flaky douche.” Any guy who does not drop what he is doing for you is worth dropping. It is his HUGE loss. I wish you all the best and I’m positive you will meet your perfect other. Just remember Jenny, you have a fan. Awesome blog…

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