Journal entry from 2005:
A trip to Hawaii taught me there are options in life. I am incredibly lucky to have experienced seven days on the island of Kauai. I wish everyone could experience the slow down, the inhalation of crystal clear air.
I’ve never experienced anything so lovely. Every moment was exquisite, every view breathtaking. It didn’t matter where I was standing or what I was doing, everything was just lovely: the weather, my spirits, the ocean, the mountains. I was up at 7am every day. I never drank alcohol, I always slept well and I made the most of every day. I would wake up to a sliding screen door to my right filled with chirping birds and a sliding screen door to my left wafting in ocean sounds. There was so much to do and see and feel good about.
Am I the only one who didn’t know this? I mean people know it, everybody ‘knows’ it. But how many of us pursue it’s meaning?
There are people who live there every day. Hello?! That is so smart. Granted, it’s expensive and full of tourists but so is New York City. We have choices to make and they don’t have to be predictable, boring, sad or difficult. They can be exciting and fulfilling. I can choose to live the life that will make me happy. I can save money and buy property anywhere. I can change my job. I can certainly learn about anything and work towards applying my newly attained knowledge to something more exciting and challenging than my current circumstances. I can choose to be nice. I can choose to wake up early and make my day great.
Why am I so easily distracted when I’m happy? I come out of my head and listen to the music. I forget my worries and play games with the cats. I get carried away by the beautiful flow of life and care less about journaling the sadness and stress. My journals are chock full of sadness and frustration, tears constantly streaming, kerplunking off the pages, representing the hole I felt stuck in.
Stuck no longer and I’m not sure how to act. How silly that I’m less productive because I don’t want to write about depression. How silly that I can’t pay attention because I just want to feel good. I will take this knowledge and run as fast as I can away from the misery.
So now life becomes a pursuit of meaning. And meaning = happiness.