Let me start off by saying there is a very good chance I will not run a marathon. Two issues come immediately to mind, one being that I hate running and the other the very real possibility that my back and leg won’t allow it. But let’s just say that maybe I will and go from there.
On Christmas Eve I saw the guy I fell in love with when I came to Oahu on vacation last February. The one I felt magnetically pulled to the minute I met him. The one who retreated when I tried to run towards him. He looked and sounded exactly as I remembered and again I felt exactly the same. It seems so clear to me: Here is a person you should be close to. It will be good for you.
Whatever sense of urgency and certainty I feel is not replicated in him. There was no tearful reunion, no Christmas miracle run through the rain to a cinematic ending, no slow fade from the close-up of the embrace of a lifetime. I can’t tell you how he feels about me. I don’t feel drawn to him because I believe myself to understand him. It’s more because I think I have a lot to learn from him. (And let’s be honest, he’s fuckin’ hot.) But he has some pretty high walls built up around him, walls that might seem unscalable to a person who doesn’t love a challenge.
I don’t mean to sound flippant. He does not represent a nut I yearn to crack and be done with. I honestly believe what lies inside will be worth whatever trials I go through trying to get there. It would be silly to try to explain why, mostly because I have no idea. There’s not much logic to be gleaned from love at first sight. All you can do is go with it, eyes as open as you can get ‘em, and trust you’ll survive whatever the outcome.
Try as I might to change my own outlook, it still seems impossible that I will someday be loved and trusted by someone I love and trust. So what then is this marathon business about? A continued commitment to focus my energy on goals I can accomplish as recognition of the fact that falling in love is not a task I get to check off a To Do list. It’s about needing something to run towards and accepting the literal translation over the optimistic circles of fantasy my brain usually spins in. It’s about being productive with my time.
There is a very good chance this person will never really let me into his life. It’s his choice and I have no way of knowing what will happen. All I can do is move forward with my own life and trust that what I’m doing is going to make sense someday in hindsight.
KD says, “You don’t do Surrender, it happens when it’s ripe at it’s own speed. Entering into the world of Surrender is entering into a world where everything is okay.”
Conscious of my choice, everything is okay. And who knows? Maybe I’ll run a marathon. My body could certainly use the exercise.