The truth is I didn’t really want to come back to Honolulu. Isn’t that insane? I’m sitting here at Island Brew in Hawaii Kai right on the edge of the marina, sipping an iced tea, relaxing under an umbrella with an impossible view. The water in Hawaii Kai is a hue of turquoise perfection that seems painted, as if it couldn’t actually exist in nature. This marina is everything you could ever imagine a tropical marina could be complete with amateur water skiers and gorgeous blue herons.
It is 80° (in February) and the trade winds are blowing as they always do. This is paradise at its best.
And I did get the promotion I was up for. No longer anyone’s assistant, I now have my very own coffee bar to manage. And get this – so far it’s great and I’m doing a good job. The staff is mature, a little older, respectful (!!) and for the most part professional. They even seem to like me. Yesterday I got to give one of the baristas a significant raise and it felt amazing.
This morning I hiked with the dogs in Tantalus and sat on a bench overlooking a verdant valley of albizia trees (my favorite) soaking in the ever-present tropical lushness. And yet… here I sit thinking I had all kinds of paradise back on the freezing cold east coast. It was just different.
I’m not about to proclaim that my time here is done or I’m heading back to the big city, but something has undeniably changed. Traveling back home made it clear to me, for the first time, that I’m really far away. I honestly hadn’t quite put that together.
Being home made it clear to me, also for the first time, that I am genuinely missed by a large and wondrous group of amazeballs people that I’ve had a much bigger effect on than I ever let myself believe. Nobody was upset or even slightly phased by the ginormous mistakes I made prior to running away, arms flailing in the air like a Muppet, first to the west coast, then twice as far to Hawaii.
My feelings of inadequacy were my own, born and bred in my own brain by my own egoic insecurities. I’ve really never been in a position where I lacked support or friends/family/co-workers believing in me. These are things I should have known back in 2009, hooks I should have let myself off of years ago and yet… it took me this long to see what I was taking for granted.
I guess what I’m saying is my confidence has grown. I have figured out how to see the bigger picture of life, the universe and everything with gratitude. And, perhaps most important, I’ve learned how to accept love and forgive myself. Sweet baby Jesus I am one sloooow learner!
Eckhart Tolle says: “Once you have understood the basic principle of being present as the watcher of what happens inside you – and you ‘understand’ it by experiencing it – you have at your disposal the most potent transformational tool.”
Amen to that, brotha!