Practice was really hard tonight. I was so excited to go fast and keep up with the team on the hills but the coaches switched things up and I was back at square one. We did a turbo trainer workout – like a spin class with our bikes in stationary trainers – that kicked my ass. My quads were on fire and I felt like I was going to puke the entire time. But more than the physical challenge it was a huge mental challenge.
Being at square one wasn’t so bad when I wasn’t vying for anyone’s attention, when I had no hope of impressing anyone on the team… but considering my entire day was basically a countdown until I’d get to see Coach C again… I really struggled with the fact that I was struggling.
I didn’t have the strength to pedal fast enough. I had trouble with my gears. I couldn’t catch my breath. All the while stuck in that stupid waste of time head space that sucks up your energy yet has nothing to do with reality.
After the turbo training I ran for about 25 minutes but my asthma made it really hard to breathe. The transitions are the hardest, anytime my heart rate changes it becomes so difficult to regulate my breath.
I was exhausted when Coach J and I started for home. I didn’t get my cleats into the pedal clips fast enough and crashed to the ground on my right side. It was the exact same kind of fall that destroyed my hip in Portland a few years back when I got my tire stuck in a trolley track but for some reason this time it hardly hurt at all. All I could think about was how tired I was and how much I wanted to get home. No damage beyond a skinned knee from what I can tell, except of course for the bruised ego.
How funny… just as I was finishing this post I looked under my desk and saw that one of my corkboard tiles had fallen. Sticking it back up on the wall I read the notes pinned to it. One is a picture Coach P gave to us of a stork attempting to eat a frog but the frog, whose head is in the stork’s mouth, has his hands wrapped around the stork’s neck, keeping it from being able to swallow him. It says “Never give up!” The other is a Marie Forleo quote: Choose your response to any situation and consciously create your world.
It’s time to summon Eckhart, Yogananda and KD. This tired little heart needs to calm down and re-focus.