Things I Thought I’d Never

Things I thought I’d never do:

Swim straight out to the windsock off Kaimana Beach without much pausing and very little panic.

Things I thought I’d never say:

It wasn’t exactly awful and I was maybe somewhat comfortable in the water.

Things I thought I’d never hear:

Coach C, as he cracked open a 6-pack of Maui Bikini Blonde at the beach park after practice Thursday night, “This is a weird situation because I have a girlfriend but I’m really drawn to you.”

Okey dokey smokey. Well thanks for letting me know.

The slew of compliments that erupted from his mouth following that unfortunate admission went on for over an hour.

I didn’t let him kiss me like he wanted to but I let him say all of those things. Men don’t say those things to me. My parents, my sisters, my best friends, the women in my life – they say those things but not men. It has been forever since a man has felt so fondly towards me and while I stopped him when he grabbed my face and tried to pull me in, I soaked up his words like a cactus in the desert rain.

Friday was blasé as though I was in shock and couldn’t feel. Or maybe I just didn’t want to.

Saturday was divine because I got to spend hours with him in the morning. I swam well. I cycled my heart out to the back of Lunalilo Home Road, over to Hahaione for a loop up the hill, through the valleys on the return to Kaimana. And I ran and ran and ran around Kapiolani Park until he was gone.

Sunday the bottom dropped out as the sadness arrived. Disappointment filed through the door like an army and surrounded me in my bed as I awoke. All of the questions and uncertainties. Does he love her? Have they been together long? Do they live together? Would he leave her? Why would he leave her? That’s absurd! Is that absurd?

My mood was worse than rotten but I survived. Now it’s Monday and I’m strong again. Really this is what I’ve been preparing for. Peace within the uncertainty of love, for me, is the most impossible to attain. But I said I trust him, so that’s what I’m going to do.

Exactly what it is that I’m trusting him to do is entirely unclear. In the meantime I’ll just trust myself and keep on training. At least I can rely on the physical exertion to ease my mind away from the emotional upheaval of something I was letting myself believe was indubitably written in the stars.

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