Trust Yourself and Train Hard

Or sit on the couch eating Newman O’s drinking PBR. It’s just that kind of day.

In my defense I did ride the 24 mile loop from my house to Makiki, up Tantalus and back this morning, shaving 4 minutes off my climb, but it doesn’t feel like enough. Not enough to erase the sad anyway.

Tom Petty got me up the hill.

It was a beautiful day, the sun beat down…

I felt so good, like anything was possible…

There’s something good waitin’ down this road…

But the chorus got to me, so much so that halfway up the hill I was almost in tears.

I’m runnin’ down a dream that never would come to me…

I couldn’t help but wonder is that what I’m doing? It’s not as though there’s been even an inkling of the possibility that anymore will come from the conversation had over beach park beers a few weeks back. And frankly that’s pretty much all I can think about.

So I’m moody and lonely and sad today.

Everyone keeps saying I’m doing the right thing but that’s not what it feels like. I feel stifled and stuck behind a wall of my own making. Boundaries are one thing but what if I made them unscalable? What if he took “this will never happen again” as a black and white statement not meant for re-interpretation based on a change of circumstances? What if he didn’t understand that I meant “this will never happen again so long as you have a girlfriend but if you’re not happy and you love me like I love you and you want to break up with said girlfriend then this will definitely definitely happen again”?

I don’t enjoy these feelings of unease, dis-ease if you will. They don’t sit well. But I’m not one to let this sort of shit become toxic rotting me from the inside out. I’d rather purge it to the blogosphere via admittance of simply being human. Some days we just fail a little more than we’d hope and our insecurities get the best of us.

What if this doesn’t resonate with him? What if he didn’t mean it when he said the love in his relationship was gone? What if his brush with infidelity scared him straight?

All the uncertainties. Whatifwhatifwhatif…

Tonight I’ll let the sugar and the carbs and the alcohol dull the sad. But tomorrow, I promise, I’ll get back on the bike and turbo train as best I can.

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