Here are the thoughts that have been keeping me from getting what I say I want. Here are the boats I burned Saturday night:
~ I would suck at being a mom because I am so selfish
~ I would make a horrendous wife because I’m so impatient and quick to blame
~ I’m not really a team player
~ I focus so much on what I hope for that I never appreciate what I actually have
~ I’m terrified to get into a new relationship because it went so badly last time
~ If I do dare to get into another relationship I will eventually lose myself in it and everything I’ve worked so hard to become
~ I only attract unavailable men
~ No one would want to deal with me anyway
~ I’m better on my own
~ I have trouble trusting people
Going through that exercise while slowly reciting the Om Namo Bhagavate (108 times in the vedic tradition) cleared my focus for the race. Shedding useless weights I’ve carried for years gave me back the energy I needed to say Fuck you! to the fear and keep my emotions in check and on track, away from the belief that I would probably drown out there, away from the shame that maybe I was doing it just for the attention of a man who’s not even interested.
I trusted and leaned on my coaches through training but Sunday morning it was just me. I didn’t get a push from Coach C. I didn’t even see Coach J until after the race and Coach P was busy directing traffic and calling the shots at the starting line. I pushed myself into the water and I did just fine. And afterward we celebrated.
Time to raise the curtain on a new act, start telling the story about how open my heart is, how confident I am in my ability to give love, receive love, push, try, encourage, be present and care, love love love love love and appreciate in the moment.
I’m gonna be a great mom and a fun, enthusiastic, loving, trusting, joyful wife. I won’t suck at either of those things because I will never again lose this version of myself. I understand now how important it is, how beneficial to everything it is, to stay clear and strong.
Dear Universe I’m ready, so let’s go.