Am I Crazy?

Travis got me out of bed this morning with a simple text hoping I was having a good day. (Thank you T) In truth I had been lying there for an hour piecing together clues from stress dreams. Nothing is actually wrong. It’s just starting to dawn on me that I’m actually moving in a couple of months. And I have very mixed feelings about that.

When I left Connecticut at age 17 I ran north, screaming of FREEDOOOOOM with my arms flailing in the air like a Muppet. My parents are awesome, my upbringing was positively divine, but I could not wait another second to start my adult life.

Leaving Boston seven years later I was chasing love and opportunity in the big city so even if it was hard to go I wouldn’t have let myself notice.

Six years after that, I slipped out of New York under cover of night, depressed, beat down and broken. I couldn’t get far enough away.

For two years I tried in Oregon but I had to go farther for a full recovery. I jumped another 3,000 miles into the middle of the ocean, in search of a crystal clear vision I had in my head and my heart. And I’ve gotten everything I ever wanted out of this tiny landmass between the tropics.

As I’ve said before though, while Hawaii is adventurous and warm and everything I hoped it would be, it is also undeniably lonely.

This next move is so different from all the ones that came before it. I’m leaving something I love in search of something I think I need. Genuinely feeling like the next stage of my life is waiting for me to arrive somewhere else, for some seemingly subconscious reason I’m putting my money on the Rocky Mountains.

The decision feels right but I’m not exactly gung-ho about it. And so far I have no desire whatsoever to put together a plan. Instead I need to focus on slowly moving through a process of making peace with this next goodbye.

It took everything I had to get here and for all the frustrations of my job and my always empty bed, I absolutely love it. I love my house. I love the sun. I love the landscape. I love the few friends I’ve become very close to. And at the end of the day, even though it might sound a little screwy, I have to remind myself that a significant chunk of my soul loves the isolation and craves it whenever it’s not readily available.

I almost can’t believe I’m going to let this all go.


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