Day 21, Ballinaaaa and the Fucking Faucets from Hell

Rest day in Ballina

Mileage:   0 miles                                                                    Elevation gain:   0′

Total mileage so far:  789.1 miles          Total elevation gain so far:  38,843′


My pronunciation of Ballina has been corrected three times. The name is to be spoken whimsically, perhaps while wearing a tropical sundress and gazing wistfully past a sheer curtain that blows in the gentle breeze of an open picture window overlooking swaying palm trees that dot a beach down by the ocean.

The first part, Bali, like the island that makes up part of Indonesia. The accent saved for the long drawn out Naaaa at the end, melancholically prolonged with three or four A’s the way my mother holds the notes of a Bonnie Raitt tune for extra beats when singing along to the radio.

But Bali-Náaaa is a town that doesn’t really fit its paradisiacal name. It’s actually one of the most suburban areas I’ve been to. Comfortably sprawled with everything one would need, but not much to do for a tourist. It lies in stark contrast to the no-man’s land I was in for most of yesterday and, unsurprisingly, I learn from my innkeepers and others that no one ever enters town the way I did.

“Oh no, we would drive from Sligo in the east or maybe come in from the south. It’s really empty out where you were,” they tell me over breakfast.

Yah-huh. It sure was.

Ballina sits on the River Moy and is the salmon capital of Ireland. Settlements in this area date back to 1375 and the town itself was established in 1723. Notable architecture includes the 15th-century Moyne Abbey and St. Muredach’s Cathedral, pictured above, which sits between the Upper and Lower Bridges across the Moy. I want to visit the Belleek Woods but it has been pouring, like full on down pouring, all day nonstop. Nonetheless I do take a stroll through town before heading back to my B&B to warm up with a shower.

Which brings me to my second point.

I have done the best I possibly can to quietly adjust to the oddities of the Irish way of life. I’ve eaten my soggy vegetables. I’ve grown accustomed to riding on the wrong—I mean left—side of the road. I’ve adopted the strange phrases of this foreign land like I’ll take tea at half seven and Can you tell me which way to the toilets?

I apologized for my entire country when one innkeeper mentioned, “Everything in America is perfect except the people aren’t very nice.”

I even stayed polite when another innkeeper said, “Oh it’s no big deal that you’re cycling the entire Wild Atlantic Way. I know a girl who kayaked it!” I smiled and said, “WOW!” when I really wanted to shout, “Well fuck you very much Margaret!”

But there is one area that I cannot for the life of me get used to and I will no longer stay quiet about: the plumbing. I want to climb the highest mountain and scream from the top of my lungs, “WHAT THE FUCK IRELAND?! IT’S 2017, NOT 1954!!!”

To that end, I give you Exhibit A:

Here we have a prime example of almost every faucet I have come across in my 21 days in this country. Perhaps the first faucet ever designed by man, it gives you two options: scalding hot to the left or freezing cold to the right. There is no in between, no moderate, no single faucet system that melds these two disparate temperatures together into a cozy and inviting flow of warm.

And can you see how much space there is between them? Seriously!

It’s not like you can easily mix the two together. No, no. It’s either Burn the Baby or Freeze Your Tatas Off.

I’ve gotten into the habit of turning both sides on, cupping my hands to fill them with cold water and then whisking them over to the hot side in an attempt to come away with something mildly satisfying. It doesn’t really work but it’s better than the third degree burns I’ll get from using just the hot side.

And how about this little nugget:

First of all, can you even tell me what it is? OK, you figured out that it’s a shower because of my little shampoo and conditioner bottles sitting on top. Good job. Now why don’t you go ahead and fancy a guess on how to use this thing? Go ahead, tell me to turn the power nob on the right and then adjust the temperature with the nob on the left. Simple enough, right?

WRONG!

You can turn those damn nobs all you want, ain’t nothing gonna happen until you back yourself out of the bathroom closet—and yes every bathroom I’ve been to in Ireland has been the size of a closet—then flip the big red switch on the wall by the door because that shower is electric and you need to give it power before turning on the power.

But don’t bother turning on the power after you’ve given it power because the only nob that’s going to make water come out of that shower head is the TEMPERATURE GAUGE!

As far as adjusting the actual temperature goes, I have no idea. I’ve taken two showers in there—one hot, one cold—and still not figured it out.

#ScaldingYetFreezingInIreland
#ThisCountryNeedsAHomeDepot!
#CanWeGetThePropertyBrothersUpInHere?
#MaybeTomorrowI’llTellYouAboutTheToilets!

Sending love and light to all the eclipse watchers back home ❤

5 thoughts on “Day 21, Ballinaaaa and the Fucking Faucets from Hell

  1. What kind of places are you staying in Jennifer?!!!! Your readers need to know that we’re not all a bunch of backward halfwits!!! There are beautiful B and Bs and locally run modern hotels the length and breadth of Ireland. Some might even have mixer taps, modern showers and sizeable bathrooms!

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