How To Enjoy A 50K — Step 6: Feel Fed Up w/ Your Current Situation, Move Back East, and Get a Puppy
The last time I wrote a blog post was July. I wish I could tell you what happened in the seven months since then but I’ve got almost nothing to say for myself. I’ve noted many times that I’ve been extremely fortunate through the pandemic because I did not lose my job or suffer financial hardship. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t felt the restriction, the slow down, the dampening of dreams and goals.
My whole life I’ve met people who are way too eager to tell me to put the brakes on, to chill out, to relax into an easygoing pace. Ugh! For what? So I can lose muscle tone and feel uncomfortable in my body? Done, I feel like I’ve morphed into a sloth and it sucks. To abandon my writing and world travel dreams? Done, I’ve hardly written a word in a year and it feels like unnecessary, useless failure.
I’m sick of it. I’ve hit my threshold and I’m done.
The first step I took to switch things up was leaving Boulder, CO and moving back east. Mostly, this feels like a very smart move except now I’m stuck in limbo, crashing at my parents house until I can close on a house. To be 100% honest, I have absolutely no idea if I really want to buy a house. More than anything I just want to be progressing, changing, moving forward, releasing the stand still mud I’ve been stuck in for far too long.
This mud stretches way back before Covid. I don’t get to blame this all on the pandemic. Looking back I see that I let myself slide into apathy mid-way through 2018. That was the last time I got my heart broke. It wasn’t a big sweeping upheaval. It wasn’t even unexpected. I’ve never written or talked about it but it was real and it made me sad. In response to that feeling, I pushed aside a lot of things that really matter to me. Oh, it makes me so mad to think of it that way, but it’s true: I let a feeling of sadness sway me right off my path.
Since then I’ve flailed. I barely ride my bike. I barely exercise. I barely eat well. I barely write. I barely zero in on accomplishing goals. All the things that make me, me are absent. Meanwhile, I keep forgiving myself for giving up on myself. What the heck?!
The second step I took to switch things up is I got a Basenji puppy. Now this nugget of joy is a permanent member of the clan, which includes Tobi, her 12-year-old Basenji brother. Asha is so tiny, so unbelievably sweet and squiggly. At 10 weeks old, I love her so much it’s as if she’s always been here with us. We train inside at home because this particular February in New England is bonkers cold and snowy. I’m eager to get her out onto the trails but it’s good that the weather is forcing me to work slowly on the fundamentals with her in order to build the foundation of our relationship and her way in the world.
And really that’s what I need to get back to: my way in this world.
Today a friend asked how I would describe myself when asked Who are you? It was brilliantly timed and clicked the light on in a head and a heart that have been dark and quiet for far too long.
Tony Robbins teaches that a great deal of our happiness depends upon our ability to show up in life the way we see ourselves, to be consistent w/ our identity and what he calls our blueprint. My friend nailed what’s been absent. I haven’t been showing up as myself. I’m a writer and a cyclist, a lover of fitness, mental awareness, and healthy food who has not been writing nor cycling, nor physically active at all, stewing in sadness and sluggishness w/out even realizing it, and constantly eating junk food.
Well, how about that?
The awareness opens the door. Compass in hand, I can walk back into my identity and begin to shine forth once again. I betcha five dollars it won’t take long to build a plan from there to my 50K Ultra goal.
Sending love 💛 and light 💡 with a sincere wish for everyone’s health and wellness as we make our way to the other side of this pandemic and the dark times that came with it.