How Yo Enjoy A 50K — Step 9: Take A Bath and Then Figure Out How To Blog From Your Phone
Earlier today I opened my laptop to nothing but a black screen. Two hours later the guy at the Apple Genius Bar told me the logic board was fried. It needs to be replaced, which means when I get my computer back it will be wiped clean and basically brand new. He couldn’t tell me how or why but he could say it will take 5-7 days to fix and I’ve lost everything that wasn’t backed up.
So, I’ve lost, like, everything.
My novel. Half finished pieces from writing workshops. Notes from online classes. Photographs. Ideas. Plans. Budgets. All of it. Gone.
Thank goodness for double masks and hats and hoods because I cried in the Mac store. I wept, honestly. It was as if, in that single moment, the enormity of the last year broadsided me like a Mack truck, pun intended. I just kept hearing myself mumble to the guy, “I’m so sorry, I’m just overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed. I’m sorry. Everything is gone. Oh my god. It’s gone.”
By the time I got home the tears were replaced by loud uncomfortable laughter. As I added up the things I cannot do without my computer (my job) and the mountain of programs I’ll have to re-download once I get it back (MS office, Outlook, Quickbooks, Scrivener, Dropbox, etc), I laughed harder and harder.
Then my mom gave me one of her fizzy bath bombs and I sat in the tub in the dark and tried to melt into a human woman again.
Food for thought:
1) In December I said I wanted to work 100% remotely (something I’ve wished for most of my life but thought would be near impossible to experience) and my boss said, “Cool, go for it.”
2) At that time I also said I wanted to purchase a house near some old friends in the Catskills. It seemed like a straightforward and entirely plausible thing to do and yet it has become increasingly difficult to the point where I no longer believe I can swing it and I don’t even want to try.
3) I just lost the novel I’ve been working on diligently for over a year. I backed up Scrivener to my desktop every time I worked on it but I never backed up my desktop. But even though it will be an enormous task to piece together what scraps I can find and start again, I’m all in. I want to do it. I can already see it as a potential blessing in disguise.
4) Figuring out how to get motivated to train for a 50K has felt difficult and yet . . . I still want to do it. The biggest feeling of certainty I had today was the desire to head into the woods and keep walking until 2022.
So. The impossible things are proving easy and the easy thing is proving impossible. Sounds like the Tao Te Ching to me.
I still have no idea where I’m going to go next (because every day it looks less and less like home ownership in the Kingston, NY area is going to become my reality) yet I’m crystal clear on what I want to do when I get there.
I want to write even if it means composing blogs on my phone and starting my novel from scratch. I want to walk and run in the woods even it means carrying my eleven week old puppy most of the way. I want the freedom of working remotely. And maybe when it comes down it, I don’t really want the lack of freedom that comes with a thirty year mortgage. Very interesting.
Sending love 💛 and light 💡 along with the cackling laughter of a woman on the edge who has no clue what big decisions she’s about to make.